Tuesday, August 10, 2010

My I Don't Have Cancer Story

Carly's post the other day about how she doesn't have cancer made me think about a funny story about how I don't have cancer.
This happened a few years ago. I went in for my normal pap. It came back abnormal. I went back about 6 months later and it was abnormal again. My GP asked me to see a gynecologist for "a more complete exam". I called the lady parts doc for an appointment and was told the first appointment was in 3 months. I figured that it wasn't serious and I shouldn't worry. I waited (patiently) for 3 months and went to my appointment.
Once inside the gynie's office, the nurse asked me some routine questions (if I had abnormal paps regularly, if I had spotting or other problems). The abnormal pap was the strangest thing so the nurse told me the doc would right in.
About 2 seconds later, the lady parts doc comes racing and loudly says "You don't have cancer! I don't see why you had to keep calling in a panic for an earlier appointment." Huh? I never called during that 3 months to request an earlier appointment. And I never thought I had cancer until she mentioned it. Another woman had a similar problem and the doc confused me with her. Nice, glad to see you read the charts. And thanks for scaring the crap out of me. I love being naked and scared!
We started the exam and that's when she tells me she's going to numb my cervix so she can take a sample.
Me: Hm, what does that mean? 
Lady Parts Doc: Oh I'm going snip a bit of your cervix off. 
Me: Wha-Oh shit that fucking hurt! 
A word to the wise, don't let anyone take bits of your cervix. It ain't fun. Doc tells me the results will be ready in about a week and leaves.
I went home and waited (slightly freaked out that I could have cancer). The results came back negative and I've never had an abnormal pap since. I still remember with terror though the cervix snipping. Haunts my dreams, man.


  1. OMG! The worst that ever happened to me at the lady doctor was I had to pee in a cup and the nurse I handed it to showed it to all the other nurses because she was amazed how clear my urine was! :)

  2. LOL! My favorite was when my GYN removed my IUD....I cried in pain and she said "That didn't hurt....nurse, just give her a Tylenol..." (Some eye-rolling was involved, also)

  3. I've had to have that procedure...not fun and oh so painful. Sounds like your doc needs a course on how to be a decent human!

  4. I had to have this done when I first moved to Nashville in 1992. I had no insurance so I had to have the procedure done at General Hospital, a "teaching hospital". So, not only did I have to endure the painful snipping of the cervix, but I also had 5 or 6 interns observing the procedure, if you know what I mean?! Humiliation 101!

  5. ha! that's FABULOUS advice. if at all avoidable, I will NOT allow anyone to nip off bits of my cervix.

    (glad no cancer!)

  6. holy wow, first your title...and then the story itself...just wow! my eyes were bugging out of my head reading the whole thing, until the end when i crossed my legs really tightly.

    during a pelvic exam my ob/gyn thought she felt something weird and had me go see a specialist ASAP. they did an internal sonogram, here is MY warning, if someone holds up a VERY LARGE WAND and asks you if you are a virgin before they use it, be VERY SCARED. and maybe lie and say yes. i always thought sonograms were nice little handheld rollers over your tummy. i was sad to be wrong.

  7. This made me laugh out loud! So glad you don't have cancer, and hopefully you won't have to have part of your lady parts snipped off ever again!!!!

    The closest I've come to cancer is a strange mole on my back that my dermatologist took one look at and prounounced "looks fine".

  8. I read this and had to laugh! Reminds me of an encounter I had with my doc not too long ago. Endometrial Biopsy... Not fun! You can check it out on my blog. http://jjourneybook.blogspot.com/2010/06/endometrial-biopsy-audio-drama.html


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