Ever since I was a little kid I was a nervous person. I clearly remember freaking out in 1st grade and insisting on going home. That happened several times til I just stopped one day. In fact being nervous has kind of weaved its way throughout my life. I can remember times that being nervous has stopped me from being with friends, trying new things, going to Disneyland (just for one day, I was able to go the next). My nervousness comes and goes. Sometimes I can't seem to get out from under it and sometimes I'm just not nervous.
I handled the nervousness by ignoring it for years. My dad thought I should see someone for it when I was a kid but my mom thought I would grow out of it. When I got older it was just something that I couldn't help like blushing. I figured that I was just this way and there was no point in trying to change it.
After I met Tai, right before we got engaged, I started having horrible panic attacks, worse than before. I wasn't sure what to do. I had trouble going to work, seeing friends, leaving the house in general. I knew I didn't want to be a shut in, so I had to figure something out. I went to therapy, found a good counselor, and started taking meds. I still get nervous. I had two little panic attacks on our wedding day. I thought it was going to be worse so I prepared a list of things that might go wrong for Marta. Thankfully she never needed it.
So why am I telling you all this? Part of it is this is who I am. This blog is about me and my life so I don't want to hide behind partial anonymity. Also I'm hoping that this will help others. I know there are other people who feel similarly and don't seek help, thinking that this how they are supposed live their life.
I have an anxiety disorder and I'm on the road to making it better. I do not want to take the meds for my whole life but they made sense for me to take now. In a few months I'm going to work on getting off them. But until then I'm less afraid to try things. Fewer things make me nervous. And when I get nervous I just deal with it.
I'm a little nervous posting this. So please be nice. I'm happy to answer any questions.